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Please
note: This story is a fictional composite drawn
from individuals and families we have known.
The Story
John has many of the
qualities that you might imagine in a highly successful
physicist. He is mentally gifted, very rational
and logical in his approach to any problem, and
fascinated with unknown possibilities. His friends
would point out that he is lucky, however, to be in a
position where he can generate ideas and draft papers
while leaving it to others to dot the "i"s and cross the
"t"s. John loves to make new discoveries
and build complex theories, but once he
understands something, that particular excitement is
over and he wants to move on. His disinterest in
the organized life shows up at home too, where his
clothes tend to remain where ever he took them off; his
desk piles up with documents and partly read papers,
magazines, and journals; and his car is perpetually in
need of both garage service and maid service. He
is a very quiet man who can spend hours talking about
ideas to a fellow physicist, but is restless at a party
in a matter of minutes. He enjoys life at home
with his family, but also can be completely happy when
entirely alone.
Fortunately, Julia, John's wife, is organized enough
for both of them. She is positively gifted at
keeping the household running smoothly, and manages to
do so with enthusiasm and generally with a cheerful
spirit. They have been able to forge a pretty good
and pretty loving marriage across a great temperament
divide. They obviously differ tremendously in
their appreciation of neatness, structure and
planfulness. But this is not the only contrast.
Where John's head is always off somewhere thinking of
quarks and black holes, Julia is a very practical, get
it done, no-nonsense person. She is warmly
sociable and loves to plan parties and social events.
Her volunteer work in the community is highly valued,
not only for the work and energy she contributes, but
also for her great empathy with others, and her tactful
approach to problem solving.
As
can easily be imagined, they have had their share of
quarrels over the years. Julia has enormous
admiration for John's talents and tries to see part of
her role in life as providing support for a very
important and gifted person. His indifference to
order bothers her considerably, but she lives with it.
More seriously, though, she is bothered by his dislike
of socializing, even with her large extended family.
From time to time she feels that he isolates her from
others that she cares about, and does so selfishly and
inconsiderately.
Even in their
arguments, temperament differences tend to appear.
From his point of view, John tries very hard to remain
calm and rational when faced with a conflict with Julia.
It is difficult for him to understand why she is becomes
so upset when they disagree. John assumes that there is
always some logical answer or solution for any problem
and tries to keep the discussion focused on problem
solving (from his point of view). However, sometimes it
seems to him that the more he focuses on that approach,
the more distressed Julia becomes. Although he
recognizes this pattern, in his heart of hearts he finds
it baffling and frustrating. In effect, in their
arguments, John is saying “I am showing how much I love
you by trying to solve this problem” and Julia is saying
“you are showing how little you love me by trying to
demonstrate that my feelings are just getting in the way
of finding a solution."
They have bumbled
along, as couples, do, having fights, patching them up,
and going on. However, now that their children are
growing and developing into small people with their own
unique views on life, the quarrels seem to have
escalated. Most of this is focused on the younger
child, five-year old Vincent.
Their
nine-year-old, Sara, has some of her mother's qualities
in being very sociable and warmly concerned with others,
but seems to have her father's creative bent. She
is idealistic and imaginative and has great empathy for
others. It is not hard to imagine Sara at 17 parading
for a peace movement or sitting atop a giant redwood
tree to save it. Oddly enough, and in entirely
different ways, her strong feelings about these kinds of
things puzzles both her parents. To her mother, who is
so strongly practical, Sara seems charmingly
imaginative but somewhat unrealistic. John, the great
rational mind, appreciates her ability to care
passionately about her future world, but teases her
about her lack of logic.
Since Sara is
happy, doing well in school and well liked by friends
and classmates, there is not much for her parents to
argue over. Vincent, however, is another matter.
He is a very serious, quiet little boy, who does not
make friends easily. He can amuse himself for
hours building models in his room, playing computer
games, and watching television programs. He seems
to carry his father's lack of neatness to an incredible
extreme, and when not immersed in something that he
loves, is inattentive, and easily distracted.
Already, in second grade, reports are coming home that
Vincent has few friends, does not seem to enjoy class
work, is turning in half-done homework, or none at all,
and generally not progressing well.
Both parents have
real concerns for him, but in their discussions (which
more and more often seem to turn into fights) they each
see his main problems as those they dislike in each
other. From Julia's view it is his lack of
self-discipline that is at the root of the school
problems, and she sees in that, many of John's failings.
She has long felt that they both need to take a stronger
hand with Vincent in that area. Because John has
done well in life despite his relatively high level of
disorganization, he has had little enthusiasm for this.
She is also very concerned about Vincent's social
isolation, and blames his father for keeping them
from having large and frequent gatherings of family,
cousins, and friends with children of their own.
Again, John thinks, in his heart of hearts, that
constant socialization is just mindless amusement.
In their arguments he tends to be pretty critical of
Julia for her focus on this. On the other hand,
he feels inwardly much disappointment in Vincent's lack
of spark and creativity. The boy likes to do
things, and to give him credit, he builds wonderful
models with Legos and other project kits, but there
seems to be no desire to innovate, to try something
other than the directions on the box. (Though he
would never say it, John tends to feel that the
boy takes after his mother in this). Vincent also
shows some athletic talent and interest, though he is
too shy to want to go out for an organized team
activity, but here again, this has not been an area of
interest for John, so he has not done anything to
actively encourage it.
So there they
are. Both parents are genuinely concerned, but
also increasingly frustrated and disappointed in their
son's behavior, while
Vincent needs intelligent and constructive help.
He may not need to be inundated with cousins but he does
need to be helped to make a few good friends. His
mother should not try to turn him into a highly
organized version of herself, but he does need
assistance in getting himself better organized to fit
into the world. His father needs to come to grips
with the fact that his son's interests will be
practical, and hands on, and that will be just fine for
him. And both parents need to stop making
Vincent's problems a stand-in for everything that
frustrates them in each other. Understanding
something about inborn temperament differences, and how
to deal with them, would be a step in the right
direction for everyone in this family.
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