The Ideal Model, the Real Parent, and the Real
Child—Putting it All Together
We saw in the last chapter that your expectations
for your child, and your child’s own interests, preferences, and
temperament will both probably differ from the all-around ideal model
that parenting research suggests. These differences need to be
respected. However, becoming consciously aware of both expectations and
realities can help you in distinguishing what is possible and reasonable
and what is not.
The same is true for the ways in which your
specific parenting style may differ from that ideal model. In this
chapter, we are asking you to begin thinking about the parent you
actually are, based on the person you are, and the real child you are
parenting. The parent who can successfully fulfill all of the roles that
the experts recommend is a very special and exceptional person. Most of
us do some but not all, and we may find that some of these things come
easy, while others come very hard. That is both the result of life
experience and temperament. We believe that a good understanding of your
own temperament and your own basic assumptions about parenting can help
you to stretch a little in the direction of the ideal model. At the same
time, we would like you to take to heart that phrase “stretch a little.”
We can no more all be that infinitely warm, patient, understanding and
responsive, but stern and demanding person than we can all be astronauts
or mathematicians. We have to settle for being our own best selves. But
that doesn’t mean that we cannot “stretch a little” in the direction of
ways that are new and perhaps uncomfortable at first. Recognizing how
temperament influences your own parenting style and how your child’s
temperament may affect the parenting style that would be most effective
for that child, is another step on the road to thoughtful parenting.
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