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Why look at expectations? With
rare and sad exceptions (the Unengaged parent), all parents
want to help their children become successful adults and
want to do it the right way. Quite simply, however,
differences in our temperament affect our view of what
success is and how to get there. Some parents are most
concerned to raise respectful, responsible adults, others
are more concerned with developing their special talents,
and still others aspire to raise children who are kind,
giving, and spiritual. Does this mean that your vision is
wrong? Generally, no. Your expectations represent your best
view of a happy future life for your child, but it is always
possible that they are not the best fit for that specific
child. You need to be aware of how strongly your nature
influences your vision. And ultimately, your children’s
nature must have equal billing since their success will be
influenced as much by who they are as by who you are.
In the last chapter, we also described the ideal
outcome for a hypothetical child. This “perfect” child was accomplished
and academically skilled, sociable, and well-liked by others, respectful
of laws and mores, and cooperative, but able to be independent-minded,
empathetic toward others, but respectful of self. Your real child may be
sociable, shy, academically gifted or academically challenged, very
cooperative or very independent, but not both, and so on. You, in turn,
may place a high value on independence but not cooperation, or the
reverse. You may greatly value sociability or value it very little. The
place to start in thinking about more skillful parenting is not with the
theoretical ideal, but with your own expectations and your child’s
natural preferences.
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